How to treat a rose?
by Anjanka
Summary: An Alanna and Jon songfic. Not much action, but loads of thoughts - try it out!


Heya there! This is the first ff I ever wrote and it's all in English! Please read and review and correct me if there are real bad mistakes, but excuse my clumsy English...thank you...I finished this story some months ago but didn't dare to post it cause it doesn't have to much of a story and I don't know how this sounds...If you don't know the song, I can email it to you ;-)

Songfic after „Vulnerable"by Roxette (set on the evening when Jon tried to kiss Alanna and she says it's wrong. Jon's thoughts and feelings between Alanna's run-off and her opening the door In the Hand of the Goddess)

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**How do you treat a rose? A&J**

Jon was sitting on the bench, confused, „Yes, i am a fool, I urged her too much, but ... she overreacted, she really did! I mean, it's not like I raped her and it's not like she doesn't love me – at least I hope she does. But I can see her eyes shine sometimes she looks at me..."

Shaking his head, he stood up. What now? Following her into her room wasn't much of a possibility , so was going back to the ball.

„_Everywhere I look I see her smile_

_Her absent-minded eyes"_

„Is it wrong to stop her from following her dream? But I'd never try to stop her – I'd support and confirm her."

There were two voices in his head, arguing.

„Don't you understand, you idiot, she doesn't want to care about anything else than about winning her shield. And the more you push her..."

Jon sighed, he didn't only want to sleep with her, but yes, he wanted to.

„If I only wanted to have sex, I'd go to Delia of Eldorn", he defended himself from that nasty little devil that wanted to make him feel guilty. Another thought stroke him: What if Alanna thought she'd be just another lover or his second girlfriend at once? How could he tell her he only flirted with Delia to appear normal to their friends Gary, Raoul and Alex. As for them, Alanna was Alan, a boy and Jon's page, not a possible lover, so if they caught him showing further interest in him, they'd never understand. Jon didn't want any rumours going around about him, as the heir to Tortall's throne he couldn't dare to lose the people's respect.

"_But she has kept me wondering for so long_

_How this thing could go wrong"_

When did he start to feel this way about Alanna, when did he fall in love? There had always been a certain, stronger attraction to her than to the others for him. And he had always been awfully concerned when she was in danger, like when the wolves tried to kill her or during the war. Yes, the war. He nearly told Myles about Alanna's secret, simply because of fear. But he so absolutely wanted to save her and this was the strongest argument he had for Myles. And then the kiss and their ride from the healers' tents back to their camp when she had been so near to him. He had thought she must have heard his heart beat and she felt so warm and soft and relaxed...

What a difference to this evening! Today she had trembled and tried to run off. "what made the difference?!", he asked himself. Did he press her too much? But she had seemed to panic right from the beginning of their encounter. He expected a kiss to calm her – but way wrong he had been. She seemed to be afraid – but afraid of what?

Suddenly another thought, a hope, hit him. Could it be possible that she realised she loved him? And now she was afraid of her feelings?

"_I seems to me that we are both the same_

_Playing the same game"_

He knew these feelings very well. He was also shocked by the strong feelings he had developed for his page. She meant more to him than anybody else of his friends and he always got so jealous when he saw Alanna and George together.

At first, he had considered these thoughts as dangerous as never ever anybody was allowed to be more important for him than the country he'd rule one day. The good for the country would always be his first duty and for a marriage, Alanna would never be the right person – at least not for his parents ministers and people. So he had tried to ignore the way his heart beat whenever he saw Alanna. but by now he had surrendered in his love for her and tried to convince Alanna of the same.

having thought so far, his heart felt a lot lighter. One day she'd admit her love for him and then he'd be there, waiting. He only hoped it wouldn't take her too long to realise that they belonged together.

Feeling a lot better, he made his way back to his rooms. But once he got their with all this darkness and coldness around him, reappeared. What had made him so sure she felt the same way as he did? The nasty little voice that always tried to bring him down was back.

She – Alanna, the person he loved most in the entire world - was so special, but with that also so different: he just didn't understand her.

"_But as darkness falls, this true love falls apart_

_Into a riddle of the heart._

_She's so vulnerable_

_Like china in my hand,_

_She's so vulnerable_

_I don't understand._

_I could never hurt the one I love_

_She's all I got_

_But she's so vulnerable, oh so vulnerable."_

From the outside she seemed proud and strong, always self-confident and sure about what to do. But he knew parts of her inside where she was uncertain and vulnerable like a kitten or a small plant.

For him, she was like a rose: thorns at the outside and beautiful softness at the inside.

he loved her strength and her weakness...

He loved the copper colour of her hair and her violet eyes...

"Stop that", he told himself. "You sound the same as when you pretended to fancy some court lady to make Alanna jealous and force her to do something..."

Lying in his bed he couldn't sleep as Alanna's face, her voice and the previous scene kept running through his mind.

"_Days like these, no one should be alone,_

_No heart should hide away._

_Our touch is gently conquering my mind,_

_It's nothing words can say._

_She's coloured all the secrets of my soul,_

_I whispered all my dreams._

_but just as nighttime falls, this vision falls apart_

_Into a riddle of her heart._

_She's so vulnerable..."_

Within his thoughts, he heard a knocking on the door that linked his rooms to hers. He opened up and swallowed as he saw Alanna standing there with these intensive violet eyes that gave him all the answers to his questions in a way she'd never answer. He saw love and he saw fear, two things she'd never admit she felt.

At last, after they had been quiet for some time and starred into each other's eyes , she opened her mouth and said quietly: "I'm afraid, Jon."

"So am I", he answered. "At least we can be afraid together."

Staring at each other, searching in the other one's eyes for a sign of return of their own feelings, they both stood there for what seemed like forever, the treshold like an invincible gap between them.

At last, Alanna reached her hand across this gap to Jon's, softly pressed it and then stroked it with her thump. "Goodnight" she murmured and turned away, closing the door.

The two sentences about fear in the end are supposed to be quotations. As I don't won the English version of this book and only translated them, they might be wrong in their style and choice of words. But they should be right in their content and that's what matters, isn't it?


End file.
